So I'll go ahead and warn you that this post will be full of a lot of emotion, heartache, & just...well me.
The me I am right now anyways.
It'll talk about God and my relationship with him.
It'll talk about my family.
It'll talk about hurt.
And this is mostly for me.
Partly, I want you to know where I've been the past few days and give you an idea of why I might be sporadic in the coming weeks...or months...
So if any of this might offend you or cause you to say hurtful things, please click away from it now.
This is my blog where I want to share... me.
So please be kind & please realize that I'm hurting before you leave nasty or damaging comments.
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My heart hurts.
Have we established that?
I woke up this morning with that little glimmer of hope that maybe the past few days have just been a nightmare.
I would wake up, sit up in bed and everything would be right in my little world again.
Little man would come in to demand attention, hubby would turn over and groan at having to go to work.
I'd kiss him and either fall back asleep or get up and start my day.
A normal day.
A day of painting, getting homework in order, playing with little man and waiting for the hubs to get home so I could spend my evening with both of them.
What I wouldn't do for a normal day.
The normal day I had just a week ago.
And then that awful feeling hits.
You realize it's not a nightmare.
You ARE awake and your world is still in pieces all around you.
You're left holding them having no idea what you're going to do to put them back together.
Because, you see, some of the pieces are missing.
A few days ago, in the middle of the night,
my husband left.
He walked out the door.
And he's not back.
And this isn't the first time.
I lived this nightmare a little under two years ago.
Two years ago he told me he didn't want to be married anymore.
He walked out and chaos ensued for nearly three months.
I had no idea what to do.
I think I walked around like a half-person during that time.
I lived, I ate, I went to school, I was a mom.
But I was half of myself.
It was a back and forth game last time that we played until he decided one day that he was sorry and wanted to come home.
We went through counseling, he told me he knew he wanted to be there this time.
We've had the past two years together.
Ups and downs but never talk of this again.
And then here we are again.
It was out of the blue, unexpected.
One minute we're watching a family movie, snuggling on the couch.
The next he blurts out that he doesn't think being married is for him.
And I could feel it all crumbling down again in an instant.
The past few days have been a blur.
I feel trapped in a place that I never asked to be in.
I feel hurt, angry, betrayed, confused, scared...everything.
But mostly I hurt.
I hurt in ways that you never even knew existed.
I hurt in ways that you never even knew existed.
One minute I think I'm okay and I can walk forward with this.
The next, an overwhelming feeling of sadness crashes over me and leaves me barely able to breathe.
I want to be away from home but when I'm away, I only want to be home.
I want comfort but don't find it in the things that normally soothe me.
Every time a car passes down the street, my head whips around to get a glimpse of whether it's his little black car or not.
Horrifying thoughts go through my head and it's hard to make sense of it all.
It's hard to imagine that I'm in this place again.
It's hard to miss him and be so angry with him all at once.
It's hard to look down the road at the next few weeks and months and know that there is so much grief and sadness and hard times ahead.
No matter the outcome, it'll be hard and it's going to be a process.
And I'm so mad that I'm here again.
I'm surrounded by amazing friends. Amazing family.
I have love and company.
I have support and people to talk to unending about all this.
But talking doesn't solve anything. Working it around again and again in my head always comes up with different ways to look at it, different outcomes, different emotions.
He's left. He's gone.
I'm alone to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here.
My heart is in pieces.
The person that should be there, the person I should trust, the person who should be holding me to get through times like this...has caused this pain.
I get mad at God.
I wonder why He's allowed this to happen yet again.
Why couldn't it have just ended the last time?
Why bring him back just to take him away again?
God is the only one that can reach out and soothe my heart and soul when I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out.
He whispers in my fears and cries along with me.
I know He's the only one who can reach my husband.
I know He's the only one who knows where my heart stands and how much it can handle.
I find rest in Him.
I find peace and solitude during the moments I hurt most.
He walks alongside me and lets me lean on Him when I feel like falling down.
I know He's there.
My heart hurts, guys.
My head hurts. I'm exhausted.
I want to push fast-forward and see how this all plays out.
I love my husband. I love being his wife.
I hate that he has left this gaping hole behind him.
Sometimes I hate that I miss him.
I wish I could just forget and move on without looking back.
But that's just not how that works.
I realize more than last time that I don't have any control over this.
I could beg, plead and cry for him to come home.
I could beg, plead and cry for him to come home.
I could chase him down and tell him how much he's loved and how much our home doesn't feel right without him.
But none of that matters without him deciding once and for all that he's committed.
Committed to me, to us, to our life.
He's run away, he's left. He's given himself the space that he thinks he needs.
And all I can do is step back and let him take it.
He can't keep coming back into our lives and then back out whenever the feeling hits.
It's not fair to me. It's not fair to little man.
And it hurts like hell to let him just go.
I left his things out in the driveway a few nights ago and I thought I'd crumble underneath the shear disbelief of what was happening.
How did it come to this?
But I waited for him last time.
I've told him over and over that I love him and that I want to make things work.
He knows this.
He knows where I stand.
And now I just wait.
I pray that he realizes the life he'd be leaving behind.
I pray that I can handle whatever happens.
It's the pieces around me that hurt the most.
The pieces he's left behind.
I feel alone even with people all around me.
I feel lost.
I feel scared of what the future holds.
I take a lot of joy in my house and right now now it feels like a trap.
Filled with his memories, his pictures and his missing presence.
Pray for me guys, kay?
I'm hurting.
I know somehow it'll be okay.
I'm just trying to get through it all one day at a time.
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