August 27, 2012

On and on we go...


Oh, how it means so much to me to be able to open up to my friends here. 
I've received such encouragement and love in the past few weeks that have just lifted my spirits when I so desperately needed it the most. 

I know that this blog is usually a place of color and paint and DIY projects.
I know that it hasn't been that of late. 
And sometimes, I feel guilty for not picking it back up yet. 
I have been doing projects.
I've been taking pictures.
I just haven't had the energy to sit long enough at the computer to put a whole post together.
It almost seems to...normal.
And nothing here is normal yet.

I'm sorry if you're tired of hearing my thoughts and my story.
I certainly don't want to lose readers and fans through it.
But I have decided that my blog is just that...my blog.
Would I rather be posting about paint projects and furniture redos?
You bet. 
Absolutely. 

But that's not who I am on the days I sit to write.
Not yet. 
And I started this blog with the full intention of sharing me. 
So this is what you have right now. 
My posts will be back, filled with all the things you have loved.
They will. 
So if that's what you're looking for, then just kindly click off this post and wait for those. 
I promise they will be back. 
But today...I'm sharing me. 
Even if it's uncomfortable and hard. 

*************

The days have gone by slowly this past week. 
Like time is just dragging its feet. 

I started classes on Thursday and fared through them a lot better than I had pictured in my head. 
There were moments when we were talking about the semester and I just wanted to run out the door. 
I felt trapped.
Like they were talking about normal, everyday things.
And my life feels so far from normal.
I have pieces of our every day life scattered all around me. 

I haven't heard about or from my husband in over two weeks. 
I haven't seen him in over a month. 
I have no idea where he is.
I know he quit his job.
I know random musings from things he told friends. 
But really, I know nothing.

I know that time is my friend if I let it.
I know that God is capable of things I could never have imagined. 
I know that God is here in the midst of all this chaos because I have felt His presence when things get too much for me to handle. 
When I just want to fall apart, I can feel Him working and holding me up. 
He sends lovely people like you to give encouraging words in moments that feel hopeless.

I have realized that friends I had thought were sent for Mychal were really friends that God placed in our life in preparation for just this time. 
He knew I would need them. 

I think my heart pushes against the 'normal' things in life.
It screams at them to go away because it doesn't seem ok for things to move forward like they always have when things are in such upheaval in my marriage. 
I reach out to pick up the phone to call him after my classes end and then realize what I'm about to do.
It's not okay that I can't call him.  

I read somewhere that separation is like taking two pieces of paper that had been super-glued together and tearing them apart.
Pieces of each of them stick to each other and they are both tattered and torn apart. 

I am tired of being strong sometimes.
Some moments I just sit and soak in the grief I feel inside. 
I hate feeling it. 
I wish I knew of a way to make it just go away and make everything better. 

I feel trapped. 
And I want a way out.
But I've realized that the only way out is day by day, walking side by side with God through this dark tunnel I'm currently in. 
I know that the only way to reach the light at the other side is by continuing to take steps forward into the unknown. 
Not to fall down and stop moving. 
Not to stay trapped somewhere that feels horrible and hopeless.
To walk one step in front of the other through it. 
On and on we go. 

I am strong enough. I am strong enough. I am strong enough.

 I don't know what is at the other end of that tunnel and I think that is what scares me the most. 
Isn't the unknown always the scariest? 
Sometimes, when I'm mad, I think that a quick ending would be the easiest.
Just walk away and cut the pain off. 
And then I realize that I'm not there yet. 
God still has work to do. 
He just whispers for me to sit next to Him while we watch and wait. 
For my healing. 
Maybe for my husband's. 

I know that when I am tired and weak, that God is still strong.
There is nothing I can do to make things happen anymore.
Things are totally and completely out of my control.
There are not any words in the world that I can say that would make this better. 
But I know that God is still fighting even when I feel like nothing is happening. 
He doesn't rest. He doesn't give up. 
And He loves my husband even more than I do. 

It's hard to just sit back and have faith. 
I feel helpless. 
Like I am doing nothing. 

I feel helpless when my little guy asks where his daddy is and when he is coming home.
How do you explain to a five year old about something so hard? 
Something I really don't even understand myself. 

I refuse to sink

For moments when my heart seems to just keep on breaking and my thoughts race. 
When fear courses through me and I feel myself spiraling down a path of emotions that I cannot handle, 
I walk outside to the little table in the front of the house and just sit.
I soak in the warmth. I drink in the silence. 
I sit and I wait. 
Sometimes I feel like God is more tangible when I sit outside and just be still.

God & the storm

I don't know where this path leads.
And sometimes that hurts so much I can't stand it. 
But, well...
on and on we go. 

Somehow, I know I will make it to the other side, whatever that looks like. 
But right now, it's an accomplishment to make it another day. 
Because that's exhausting all in itself. 

I love you guys. 
Really, I do. 

Your prayers and sweet words mean more than I could ever let you know. 

And I do promise a craft soon. 
Is it too soon to share an awesome fall wreath? 
Cuz I totally made one the other day that I'm obsessed with...


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15 comments:

  1. It's so sad to see you, well, so sad! Praying for you.

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  2. Kelsey I do think of you often and you are in my prayers. I can't wait to see what you have been up to as I always have enjoyed reading your posts. Big Hugs and Happy thoughts being sent your way.

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  3. Kelsey you are so so strong--you are such an inspiration to me. I am so very sorry what you are going through. All I know is, you got this. You will ride out this storm and come out on top. Your son will love you so much and look back on this-- and see how amazing strong and loving you were. This will pass, take it day by day- that is all you can do. But you will rock this, and come out on top- with that amazing stunning smile of yours. I think about you and your entire family every day girl- know that. xo Jen

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  4. your blog, your vent, we listen, those that don't know the door is right by them. We who care will listen...and we do

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  5. Big Big Hugs and lots of positive, happy thoughts being sent to you and your son.

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  6. I am glad you have a place to vent out your feelings. I also think it's wonderful that you have such strong faith, that can help you get through the worst things. Hope your little boy is doing well.

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  7. You are an amazingly strong person. God bless & big hugs.

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  8. You hang in there. Sometimes the hardest part of loss isn't letting go of the person but letting go of control. Let Jesus take the wheel. I'm praying and I know there are many more like me who are crying with you and praying just as hard.

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  9. im so sorry! i just really can't believe that he has just up and left you with EVERYTHING!!! school, little man, house, errands, life. that is not fair! but..... you can make it!

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  10. Kelsey....just today I was praying for you. It crossed my mind that I had read your blog post about a month ago, but I could remember whose blog it was. Then, tonight, your new post came through my FB feed.

    There was a time in my life that was extremely dark as well....the pain was so physical that the weight of sadness just sat on my chest. I don't know how your situation will resolve, but I do know that God loves you...sees you....and cares for you. It was during those difficult and broken moments that I felt Him so near to me...despite the tears and the pain. I will be praying for you and your little man...that you can sleep in peace and truly rest. There's an awesome verse in Proverbs where God promises that when we lie down, our sleep will be sweet. That is my prayer for you...that the anxiety will be replaced by a greater peace.

    Continuing to pray for you!

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  11. I've not visited other blogs in quite awhile, but just last night, came over to visit and see what you were up to. After reading your posts, I confess I've had you on my mind a lot today.

    I have a five year old. And my mother-heart truly breaks for yours, for you. I love your comment about being outside and still- what a blessing that you are able to seek and find peace. As I read some of the different realizations you are coming to through all of this, it occurs to me- at least, I really believe- that those ways of thinking are a big key to what make life wonderful, happy. And if you can gain that depth of self through this horrible time, when you do finally emerge from it, you will be capable and deserving of every good thing the future can offer.

    I truly wish you and your little man every bit of comfort you can find right now- in each other especially :) I'm anxious to keep up with YOU and your wellness- don't worry about the crafts, unless they are making your life BETTER!

    PS... wish I could've made my font color turquoise for you ;)

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  12. Kelsey,
    I found your blog the other day thru Pinterest. Please know that you are being prayed for at this very moment. We will probably never meet, but I feel like I know you already. I've spent the past several days reading your blog. Sometimes we go thru things that just aren't fair, we weren't promised fair. But you obviously know that God can heal all wounds. He can take all your burdens. He can and will work all of this out for His glory.
    In Him,
    Jenny

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  13. Dear Kelsey,

    I too am going through a hurtful time in a relationship and have questions even in the humility of knowing that our God is a GREAT God. Just know that God will never allow a situation to occur without having a meaning to it. You are a vessel, and your life is a testimony to SO many people viewing your blog, who simply need to see that Christ is being glorified, even in the midst of hurt. Vicky Yohe said it best...."Pain, the Gift nobody longs for, still it comes....somehow leaves us STRONGER when it's gone away...". I am a new follower to your blog...like, within the last hour kinda new, and I buckled in tears reading what I didn't expect to see. I have already began interceding for you, and your husband & your family.

    Your faith is so strong and will be the bridge to carry you to the other side. Hang in there, and praise God during the times when you just don't feel like it. A breakthrough is on the way. Even when it dosen't seem like it, God is working it out for your good, and this too shall pass.

    Much love from Charlotte, NC.

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  14. Ugh. Kelsey - I have had you on my mind the past few days and kept thinking to myself how I haven't checked in with your blog in a while. I made a mental note to click over and catch up on all your cute projects - I had no idea what I'd see when I got here. I have been sitting here reading over your posts from the past few weeks and all I can say is that I am SO sorry you and your little man have to go through all this! It sounds so scary to me - the sudden changing of your world like that. (And the fact that your husband also quit his job and has dropped out of contact - that sounds worrisome to me on a physical/mental level. Perhaps he suffers from some kind of disorder that might make him act this way? Hope that suggestion doesn't offend you - it just seems that maybe he could use some professional help right now? I just can't imagine how mad at him, and at the same time worried about him, you must be right now.)

    Anyway, I just had to tell you that I am thinking of you, and that I pray things will work out all right for you and your family. No matter the outcome, you are a wonderful, strong person and I have no doubt that your faith will get you through this. Love to you and your little man.

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Reading your comments makes my day!!! I'd love for you to leave me some love and make me smile :)

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