August 20, 2012

I'm still me...


I've sat down to write a new post several times over the past couple weeks.
And just haven't figured out quite what to say.

I'm 98% sure I'll be back to my normal bloggy self in the next few weeks.
There's a 2% part of me that just wants to check out. 
But I really don't think that small percentage will win out :)

Honestly, 
I feel like anything I sit down to write is just depressing and hard. 

It's a day to day battle to figure out how I feel right now.
There are moments when I feel okay though.
So know that. 

I realized today that this Thursday will be four weeks since my husband walked out.
I still don't know why.
I don't think I ever will. 

.

I don't know if he will come back. 
I pray for him daily. 
I cry for him almost as much. 
I think I cry for me too. 

I'm having to make really hard decisions that I never, ever wanted to make. 
And I hate being in the position that I'm in.
I. did. not. want. this.

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling of panic and I have no idea why. 
The empty space next to me stretches out and I feel like my heart breaks all over again.
But I really don't think it's possible for a heart to just keep on breaking. 

Sometimes I just feel like throwing on my tennis shoes and running.
Running down the street, around the block and just keep running until all of this is behind me. 

And once my shoes are on, I'm exhausted and just want to curl up in my bed. 

I'm haunted by the memories and pictures spread throughout my house.
I think that's the most heart wrenching for me. 
I have spent so many hours making this house into...us. 
Because it's what I love to do. 
And now it just screams out to me when I walk through the hallways.
Because I have no idea what is going to happen. 

It's so hard to pinpoint how I feel. 
I can spend most of the day with friends and be laughing and feeling like me. 
Then, I go home, close the door and slide to the ground because the weight of the grief I carry just overwhelms me. 

I am settling into a routine. 
I know that wounds heal. 
I know that this gaping hole in my heart will mend. 
I don't know how long that will take or what that even looks like. 
Different scenarios play out in my mind and I can't wrap my head around any of them fully. 

I don't know what tomorrow looks like.
Or next week.
Or next year. 

I know that I'll be me again soon. 
I know that I will survive all of this. 
I do. 


But there's nothing able to describe the ache in my heart right now. 

I wish we could all huddle around a table with warm coffee and soft blankets and just chit-chat all my sorrow and hurt away.
I know you guys would totally make me laugh and feel better :)

And there are moments...days... when I feel okay.
I really do. 
I find myself laughing and didn't even know I could do that anymore. 
And turquoise still makes me giddy inside so that's a good sign, right? 

I still scour the edges of the road for good furniture finds that people have thrown away.
I still visit Habitat and Goodwill and pick up sad pieces that people shake their heads at me for even considering...
I still paint.
I still take pictures.
I still cuddle with my little man. 

I shop. 
I laugh with my girlfriends. 
I notice pretty colors and I drink in gorgeous sunsets and quiet mornings. 
I thank God a hundred times a day for the friends He placed in my life that He knew would be invaluable to helping me through this time. 

#quote

I am living. 
And I am still me. 
So I know that somehow I will be okay. 





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14 comments:

  1. You already know how much you mean to me.. and you have so much love and support all around you. I wish I could wiggle my nose and make everything ok. I do. I wish you comfort and strength. Your little man is the best guy ever, and you are the best mom ever. I love that turquoise still makes you giddy..that is a good sign. You will be alright, just take the time you need Kelsey..we are here for you always!
    xo
    Jen

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  2. Kelsey, this is such a heartfelt, beautifully written post! I hope it doesn't sound weird for me to compliment a post where you are talking about heartbreak. My heart hurts for you, and I have prayed for you. As a lover of words, though, you have expressed yourself so beautifully that I just had to tell you so!

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  3. You are still living and you will continue to live for that little man in your life. A part of you may be gone but that part will heal and love will fill that void. We may only be blogging buddies but my heart goes out to you and I consider you a friend too. We are all here for each other, good times & bad, we are women, we are strong because that's what God called us to do. God never promised that we wouldn't have pain and sorrow, but He did promise to be there to lift you up when you felt your world crumbling down. Keep praying and He will see you through this.

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  4. I don't mean to come across like the meanest person on the internet and I'm sorry for you. I am. but perhaps you should start a blog for these personal things? This is kind of starting to feel like bringing your personal life into your business and it'd do better to separate that. It might make you feel better, too. Some of us read this blog for your amazing projects and not sad stories. :(

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  5. Kelsey, you are such an amazing person. i know this is a very hard time for you and i want you to know that i am thinking about you and praying for you. lots of hugs from south carolina!

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  6. Kelsey,
    You are an amazing writer and you express yourself so well. My heart aches for you. But you are strong, SO strong!
    xoxo,
    Laurie

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  7. I want to hug you, and give you warm home baked chocolate cookies, and then watch a really funny movie and then pray together.

    I get it.

    I do.

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  8. Praying that it all gets better. Don't forget that you're amazing!

    Hugs!

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  9. prayers for you Kelsey...for peace and healing.
    hugs too!

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  10. This moment right now is preparing you for something else down the road. Feel it. Experience it. Embrace it. Trust that one day you will understand. Love to you.

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  11. I've been reading your blog for a while, but don't know you personally or even virtually, but my heart goes out to you. I was in this exact same place a few months ago, and while I won't say I know how you feel because everyone's life is different, I will say that I've experienced the same feelings you've described. I'm writing this just to let you know of something that really helped me out, with my feelings, with my relationships to friends/family/husband/God, and just as a place to hold you accountable to leaving the house and socializing. It's a group called DivorceCare and many places all across the country offer it. Not sure where you are located, and I'm not in any way associated with the organization, but it's free and you can read more about it and find a place close to you at http://www.divorcecare.org/ It really was amazing and was important because it's people who've gone through a similar experience, and it also a non-biased place to get out your feelings - I didn't want to share too much about my situation with my friends and family hoping that I'd get back with my husband and I didn't want them to have such a negative taste for him, but being able to tell people who have no vested interest in your life was nice- plus there's daily Bible verses and journals that relate to each weeks topic and then a weekly meeting with the group for video and discussion. Hopefully you can find some comfort soon.

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  12. lots of hugs, and prayers and love to you. xoxo

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  13. I am praying for you! Just so heartbroken that you are going through this, but I know you are trusting the One who has it all under control. You are loved, Kelsey.

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  14. Been praying for you and I still am. What a hard but encouraging testimony (post) you just shared. Powerful to all that hurt. We can make it. Bless you.

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Reading your comments makes my day!!! I'd love for you to leave me some love and make me smile :)

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