I've sat down to write a new post several times over the past couple weeks.
And just haven't figured out quite what to say.
I'm 98% sure I'll be back to my normal bloggy self in the next few weeks.
There's a 2% part of me that just wants to check out.
But I really don't think that small percentage will win out :)
I feel like anything I sit down to write is just depressing and hard.
It's a day to day battle to figure out how I feel right now.
There are moments when I feel okay though.
So know that.
I realized today that this Thursday will be four weeks since my husband walked out.
I still don't know why.
I don't think I ever will.
I don't know if he will come back.
I pray for him daily.
I cry for him almost as much.
I think I cry for me too.
I'm having to make really hard decisions that I never, ever wanted to make.
And I hate being in the position that I'm in.
I. did. not. want. this.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with a feeling of panic and I have no idea why.
The empty space next to me stretches out and I feel like my heart breaks all over again.
But I really don't think it's possible for a heart to just keep on breaking.
Sometimes I just feel like throwing on my tennis shoes and running.
Running down the street, around the block and just keep running until all of this is behind me.
And once my shoes are on, I'm exhausted and just want to curl up in my bed.
I'm haunted by the memories and pictures spread throughout my house.
I think that's the most heart wrenching for me.
I have spent so many hours making this house into...us.
Because it's what I love to do.
And now it just screams out to me when I walk through the hallways.
Because I have no idea what is going to happen.
It's so hard to pinpoint how I feel.
I can spend most of the day with friends and be laughing and feeling like me.
Then, I go home, close the door and slide to the ground because the weight of the grief I carry just overwhelms me.
I am settling into a routine.
I know that wounds heal.
I know that this gaping hole in my heart will mend.
I don't know how long that will take or what that even looks like.
Different scenarios play out in my mind and I can't wrap my head around any of them fully.
I don't know what tomorrow looks like.
Or next week.
Or next year.
I know that I'll be me again soon.
I know that I will survive all of this.
But there's nothing able to describe the ache in my heart right now.
I wish we could all huddle around a table with warm coffee and soft blankets and just chit-chat all my sorrow and hurt away.
I know you guys would totally make me laugh and feel better :)
And there are moments...days... when I feel okay.
I really do.
I find myself laughing and didn't even know I could do that anymore.
And turquoise still makes me giddy inside so that's a good sign, right?
I still scour the edges of the road for good furniture finds that people have thrown away.
I still visit Habitat and Goodwill and pick up sad pieces that people shake their heads at me for even considering...
I still paint.
I still take pictures.
I still cuddle with my little man.
I laugh with my girlfriends.
I notice pretty colors and I drink in gorgeous sunsets and quiet mornings.
I thank God a hundred times a day for the friends He placed in my life that He knew would be invaluable to helping me through this time.
I am living.
And I am still me.
So I know that somehow I will be okay.