July 31, 2012

Baring my [broken] Heart...

So I'll go ahead and warn you that this post will be full of a lot of emotion, heartache, & just...well me. 
The me I am right now anyways. 

It'll talk about God and my relationship with him.
It'll talk about my family. 
It'll talk about hurt. 

And this is mostly for me. 
Partly, I want you to know where I've been the past few days and give you an idea of why I might be sporadic in the coming weeks...or months...

So if any of this might offend you or cause you to say hurtful things, please click away from it now. 
This is my blog where I want to share... me. 
So please be kind & please realize that I'm hurting before you leave nasty or damaging comments. 

**************************************

My heart hurts. 
Have we established that? 
I woke up this morning with that little glimmer of hope that maybe the past few days have just been a nightmare.
I would wake up, sit up in bed and everything would be right in my little world again.
Little man would come in to demand attention, hubby would turn over and groan at having to go to work. 
I'd kiss him and either fall back asleep or get up and start my day.
A normal day. 
A day of painting, getting homework in order, playing with little man and waiting for the hubs to get home so I could spend my evening with both of them. 

What I wouldn't do for a normal day.
The normal day I had just a week ago. 

And then that awful feeling hits.
You realize it's not a nightmare.
You ARE awake and your world is still in pieces all around you. 

You're left holding them having no idea what you're going to do to put them back together.
Because, you see, some of the pieces are missing. 

A few days ago, in the middle of the night, 
my husband left. 
He walked out the door. 
And he's not back. 

And this isn't the first time. 

I lived this nightmare a little under two years ago. 

Two years ago he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. 
He walked out and chaos ensued for nearly three months.
I had no idea what to do. 
I think I walked around like a half-person during that time. 
I lived, I ate, I went to school, I was a mom.
But I was half of myself. 

It was a back and forth game last time that we played until he decided one day that he was sorry and wanted to come home. 
We went through counseling, he told me he knew he wanted to be there this time. 
We've had the past two years together.
Ups and downs but never talk of this again. 

And then here we are again. 

It was out of the blue, unexpected. 
One minute we're watching a family movie, snuggling on the couch.
The next he blurts out that he doesn't think being married is for him. 

And I could feel it all crumbling down again in an instant. 

The past few days have been a blur. 
I feel trapped in a place that I never asked to be in. 
I feel hurt, angry, betrayed, confused, scared...everything. 

But mostly I hurt.
I hurt in ways that you never even knew existed. 
One minute I think I'm okay and I can walk forward with this.
The next, an overwhelming feeling of sadness crashes over me and leaves me barely able to breathe. 

I want to be away from home but when I'm away, I only want to be home. 
I want comfort but don't find it in the things that normally soothe me. 
Every time a car passes down the street, my head whips around to get a glimpse of whether it's his little black car or not. 

Horrifying thoughts go through my head and it's hard to make sense of it all.
It's hard to imagine that I'm in this place again. 
It's hard to miss him and be so angry with him all at once. 

It's hard to look down the road at the next few weeks and months and know that there is so much grief and sadness and hard times ahead.
No matter the outcome, it'll be hard and it's going to be a process. 
And I'm so mad that I'm here again. 



I'm surrounded by amazing friends. Amazing family. 
I have love and company. 
I have support and people to talk to unending about all this.
But talking doesn't solve anything. Working it around again and again in my head always comes up with different ways to look at it, different outcomes, different emotions. 

He's left. He's gone.
I'm alone to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here. 
My heart is in pieces. 
The person that should be there, the person I should trust, the person who should be holding me to get through times like this...has caused this pain.

I get mad at God.
I wonder why He's allowed this to happen yet again.
Why couldn't it have just ended the last time? 
Why bring him back just to take him away again? 

God is the only one that can reach out and soothe my heart and soul when I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out. 
He whispers in my fears and cries along with me. 
I know He's the only one who can reach my husband. 
I know He's the only one who knows where my heart stands and how much it can handle. 



I find rest in Him. 
I find peace and solitude during the moments I hurt most. 
He walks alongside me and lets me lean on Him when I feel like falling down. 
I know He's there. 

My heart hurts, guys. 
My head hurts. I'm exhausted. 

I want to push fast-forward and see how this all plays out. 
I love my husband. I love being his wife. 
I hate that he has left this gaping hole behind him. 
Sometimes I hate that I miss him. 
I wish I could just forget and move on without looking back. 
But that's just not how that works. 

I realize more than last time that I don't have any control over this.
I could beg, plead and cry for him to come home. 
I could chase him down and tell him how much he's loved and how much our home doesn't feel right without him. 

But none of that matters without him deciding once and for all that he's committed.
Committed to me, to us, to our life. 
He's run away, he's left. He's given himself the space that he thinks he needs. 
And all I can do is step back and let him take it. 
He can't keep coming back into our lives and then back out whenever the feeling hits. 
It's not fair to me. It's not fair to little man. 
And it hurts like hell to let him just go. 
I left his things out in the driveway a few nights ago and I thought I'd crumble underneath the shear disbelief of what was happening. 
How did it come to this? 

But I waited for him last time.
I've told him over and over that I love him and that I want to make things work. 
He knows this. 
He knows where I stand. 
And now I just wait. 

I pray that he realizes the life he'd be leaving behind. 
I pray that I can handle whatever happens. 

It's the pieces around me that hurt the most. 
The pieces he's left behind. 
I feel alone even with people all around me. 
I feel lost. 
I feel scared of what the future holds. 
I take a lot of joy in my house and right now now it feels like a trap. 
Filled with his memories, his pictures and his missing presence. 


Pray for me guys, kay? 
I'm hurting. 
I know somehow it'll be okay. 
I'm just trying to get through it all one day at a time. 





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51 comments:

  1. My heart hurts for you. ((((HUGS!)))) Thinking of you...

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  2. My heart aches for what you are going through. I find your honesty so refreshing and raw. I am glad that you have God in your life and that ultimately he will carry you through this season in your life. Whatever is to come you are a child of the King and he shall hold you in the palm of his hand until you are ready to leap forward with Him as your guide. All the best and blessings to you~ Susan

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  3. Kelsey, I'm praying for you sister. You will get through this, because you are a mom. You have to be there for your little guy. God's will will be done, but only in the time He sees fit. Pray and stay strong in your faith. He will carry you I your times of hurt and sorrow, just look to Him for guidance and blessings will come your way. (((hugs)))

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  4. Long time reader but first time to comment. Massive hugs and many prayers. Your upbeat spirit and love of life is one thing I have always admired and kept me coming back even though I'm not a craft-y person. I pray you find it again soon <3

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  5. I'm so so sorry. I will be praying for you, your husband, & your family as a whole. Continue to hold that faith in God no matter who or what tries to bring you down!

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  6. This is my first time commenting. Your post made me so sad because I could really feel how hurt and sad you are right now. Stay strong for your little guy. Hoping that you find comfort as you get through this.

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  7. Kelsey, There are no words I can say to fix your pain and make your little man understand why his word is upside down. So in place of trying to comfort and say the right words,just know I'll be pryaing for you and little man.

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  8. Oh, my goodness! I feel so badly for you. This post just took my breath away thinking of what you must be going through! You are in my prayers!

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  9. Kelsey,
    I don't know you at all and am fairly new to your blog, but I just want to reach out with a (((Hug))) and a prayer that God will be in full control of this situation, of you, your husband, your little son and the future. Take the time you need for yourself and don't worry one little bit about your blog - it'll be here when you get back and when you are ready.

    You are young and I'm assuming your husband is too...as one who no longer is that young, I can assure you that I remember being married at that age and the terrible struggles we often faced. There were many days when *I* wanted my husband to pack it up and leave. Youth is wonderful, but not always full of wisdom. May the Lord help your husband see what the result of his actions can be down the road - not just at this very moment and do a work in his life and heart.

    May the Lord watch over, protect, bless and keep you,
    Angie @ Knick of Time

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hope you've taken measures to protect yourself (legally) and that you have some real-life people nearby to support you. Hugs and comfort to you.

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  11. oh Kelsey~ I sit here and read this and I am crying for you. My heart hurts for you. No one deserves to be hurt like this. you are beautiful and seem like such a sweet soul~ I will be praying for you. Trust God~ it will all work out His plan His timing. Keep your chin up Beautiful!!

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  12. Kelsey you are in my thoughts. I know its hard but take care of yourself and that wonderful little man you have. Sending big hugs your way.

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  13. Oh Kelsey, I am just in tears for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this hurt and pain. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I'm so very sorry.

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  14. Tears rolling down over here Kelsey. I am so very very sorry you have to go through this. Please know we are here. There are no words to take your hurt and pain away- oh my goodness I am so so sorry. Keep that smile on for your little man, and keep being that AMAZING mom you are. You will All be in my thoughts and prayers. xo Jen

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  15. I'm praying for you.

    I don't have the words to say. I can't tell you he'll come back, he won't come back, or anything like that. I CAN tell you that all of us are here for you. You'll find a way to be strong, through Him, your friends, your family, and within yourself.

    Just remember you deserve the best.

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  16. I tried to think of a verse that would sooth your mind
    but one wouldn't come, He is speaking to you already.
    I say I'll pray for you, and I will, the pain is not to be borne alone when other shoulders will share. But my mind went to something I had wrote to a friend, who bore a similar heartache, and was too far for me to physically hug her, so I give it to you...a hug at the end, and yes I will lift you up to Him when we talk...

    ...the darkness comes in the middle of the day
    eyes wide open but I still can't find the way
    my heart is screaming for your touch
    would it really suffer you that much
    to gently caress a shoulder and say
    yes I know it hurts and help the pain go away

    ...starkly in the dawn comes the light
    its suddenness burns in me so bright
    desperately trying to hide from the start
    of another day of wondering when
    the uplift in my life is going to begin
    when you hug me tight and whisper
    yes I know it is too soon but you must

    ...stoically going through the motions
    attempting to be just another figure
    in the crowd of hustles and bustles
    crying for normality to embrace me
    and take away my personal anguish
    when that stranger steps in front of me
    and forces me to stop and see
    I am not alone with this for they seem
    to look through me and see the inner
    not the outer that is melting but the inner
    that is getting stronger, and they say

    ...Yes I know you've got a rough road
    but I'll walk with you a while and listen
    until you can smile again with less tears
    and I hand you over to the one who is
    waiting for you at the next bend to say

    ...Yes I know, I knew it long ago
    I waited for you here so you could see
    the scenery along the way
    and know that day to day I loved you

    ...Yes I know


    hugs

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  17. Prayers my friend! Please let me know if I can do anything to help you! Sending lots of love your way!

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  18. I am so heartbroken for you, I can't imagine what you are going through right now. But I know you are strong and have God in your side. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I will be praying for God to give yu a sense of peace.

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  19. Lots of hugs and prayers being sent your way. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. May God grant you peace and understanding.

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  20. I will be praying for you, Kelsey! I pray that the Lord will hold you and get you through each and every day. I will pray for clarity and strength. Thank you so much for sharing. Wish I was there to give you a big hug!

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  21. I usually never comment (I'm sorry about that) but know that my prayers are with you and there will be better times ahead. So sorry you have to go through this, but at least you have your little boy to brighten the darkest of days.

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  22. Oh, my heart hurts for you Kelsey. I went through this 7 years ago. My husband left me with 2 kids - 3 yrs. and 6 months. You are doing the right thing. Be strong, and hold on to your faith and your little man. Your husband may be in and out of little man's life for a while. It's important that you stay constant and strong for him. You are LOVED. I will pray for you. Big hugs. xoxo

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  23. Well, of COURSE you're hurting. And that's OK. In fact, it's good (not the sensation of pain, but the fact that you are having a normal response to a shocking and hurtful encounter). I would suggest counseling/therapy, so you have a safe space to vent and emote however YOU need to (I know you have a good support network, which is great, but sometimes we feel restrained in how we emote around loved ones because how we want to emote is different from how we think we should emote).

    All in all, though, you're holding it together, one day at a time. And that's all you can do. As with any grief, it will get better. *hugs*

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  24. I am praying for you. I am so sorry for the grief you must be feeling.

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  25. Hi Kelsey, I'm a new follower to your blog and just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are having to deal with this. I hope things work out the way you want them to and just know there are people thinking about you and praying for you and your son.

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  26. So sorry you are having to go through this. Praying for discernment in the decision making, and healing for your broken-ness.

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  27. Oh sweet lady. I am sending you hugs, prayers, and anything you need. I am so sorry you (or anyone for that matter) has to go through this.

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  28. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, your husband and little man. The verse 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 come to mind.

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  29. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, your husband and little man. The verse 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 come to mind.

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  30. Oh Kelsey .. Im so sorry to hear you have to go through this again :*( I will be Praying for you and your little family to heal from this journey your on. Hugs ... I heart you girly

    Muah
    Brooke

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  31. Kelsey,

    I'm so sorry to hear you are having to go through this. My heart aches for you and your little guy...please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you..{{hugs!!}}

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  32. My prayers are for you. I know you don't know me...but I am going to take special intercession for you and and your situation.

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  33. Ohhh sweet Kelsey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are an amazing person, mom, and friend, and I'm so sad reading about this. My heart hurts for you and for your little man. I'm praying for all of you. Big hugs!!
    xoxo,
    Laurie

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  34. May God heal your heart. My heart hurts for you and your little man.

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  35. I am so sorry, I hope for the best for you and your family. xo.

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  36. What a horrible thing you are going through. But the great news is you will get through it and come out stronger! The man I thought I was going to marry just broke up with me. Last week I wrote a post on different bloggers who have been through divorce, and heart ache who have helped me. You really should look at their blogs and know that you are not alone!

    http://mybest-friendsblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/getting-personal.html

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  37. oh honey! that is horrible!!!!! and im so sorry! shame on him for just leaving you like that. with a child, bills, school, everything just dropped on your lap. im so proud that your faith is strong, even if it waivers and is weak at times. i hope life gets easier for you! and this is your blog and i feel connected to you by your projects, personality, and honesty. im also an arkansan so that helps too! please continue to update us!!!

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  38. I too will be praying for you. I just found your blog today and my heart hurts for you!

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  39. Praying for you... may you find some peace in this situation.

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  40. Praying for you.. that you'll find that God is your ever present help in trouble, your wisdom, restoration, peace and comfort.

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  41. Praying for you and hope that you find comfort and peace very soon. Been reading your blog for a while and I enjoy all your posts!

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  42. You are young, gorgeous, talented and have so much life ahead of you. Take care of you, first. Consider your worst-case-scenario; how you'll deal with it and what steps you need to take. Come back to what makes you happy. Know in your heart that you deserve better than this in your life- you really, really do. You'll get through it. It feels impossible at times, but you'll get through it.

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  43. I haven't read through all the other comments, but I'm sure you'be received some good advice and comfort. I'm not sure what to say, other than I've been there. He announced one day the same thing your husband said. He eventually came back after a six month separation.
    I learned three things:
    1. Love is a decision. Commitment is a decision. It's not a feeling or impulse. Until he grasps that he is better away.
    2. You need to take care of you. Please read something on co-dependancy. I'm not sure what else to say about that.
    3. If you do reconcile, realize there is something deeper with him. When my husband came back I didn't do that because I was so relieved. Ten years later I realized he had a serious addiction issue and it's been four years working together through that.
    God is good and wants what's best for you. He won't control your husband's free will, not because He loves him too. Love is a decision. Thank goodness God loves us everyday.

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  44. I haven't read through all the other comments, but I'm sure you'be received some good advice and comfort. I'm not sure what to say, other than I've been there. He announced one day the same thing your husband said. He eventually came back after a six month separation.
    I learned three things:
    1. Love is a decision. Commitment is a decision. It's not a feeling or impulse. Until he grasps that he is better away.
    2. You need to take care of you. Please read something on co-dependancy. I'm not sure what else to say about that.
    3. If you do reconcile, realize there is something deeper with him. When my husband came back I didn't do that because I was so relieved. Ten years later I realized he had a serious addiction issue and it's been four years working together through that.
    God is good and wants what's best for you. He won't control your husband's free will, not because He loves him too. Love is a decision. Thank goodness God loves us everyday.

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  45. I came over to your blog through pinterest. I am creating a superhero bash for my twins and I wanted to thank you for some of your beautiful templates and let you know I was a new follower. I saw this and all that seems so trivial. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am so glad you have your blog as an outlet. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. You are strong mama and you will get through this will the help of the loved ones around you. Hang in there. Praying for some peace and comfort in your heart and within your family.

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  46. Ackk! Life can change so fast! U poor honey,you have a prayer from me and many more in the days to come. I offer no advice, just some cyber comfort...God be with you!!

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  47. Kelsey, you are in incredible woman. Thank you for sharing your story, it will reach the ears and hearts of the many others who have to face horrible situations and I'm sure it will give them strength. Your previous blog posts have showed your readers what a bright and creative person you are and I have no doubt that your strong personality will pull you through this. Your story is heartbreaking, but you are a courageous woman and a great mom, and you will get through this.

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  48. I've only just started to look at your blog and find the most amazing things that you have inspired me to attempt to create. After reading this I had to say.. you have a gift, and you were put here to use that to open our eyes and inspire others to the simple things in life. That we don't have to be so hard on ourselves when we fail, because HE has not set us up for failure but for amazing wonderous things. And too often we forget that. One important thing that I know personally about this is.. that when people leave, they leave because of themselves, not us. When people leave, we must let them because they are being led away so that God can fill our lives with whom HE intended. And 4 years later look at you now. I don't know you personally, but from what I have read, you are amazing, loved, loving and blessed. May God continue to bless your family with joy, patience, wisdom and most of all love. In Christ, Maria M.

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